Another Rigged Fantasy Season, Valentine’s Edition 💕

The Super Bowl is on Valentine’s Day next year, how romantic!! This guy knows what’s up:

It’s not a recap until we talk shit about Starbucks, and they’re trying to gaslight us, calling this new cup “retro.” Retro is when the logo was brown and we could see her nipples, get the fuck outta here. Did you think we’d forgotten just like you hope we’ll forget about the Sonics? It will be a cold day in hell when that happens, but good luck tryna get bought by Taco Bell.

Now that that’s out of the way…

NFL Recap

Raiders
Klint Kubiak, Fernando Mendosa and Abella Danger are already 5,000 times more exciting than anything that happened last year, and hopefully they’re a lubricant to success. 

Jets
In their own words:

What other terms are there exactly?

I can relate to this.

Cardinals
A shitshow in so many ways, but holy fuck what a fantasy goldmine.

Titans
All the bald coaches and retro branding done right! I really like the Oilers throwbacks, and I guess everyone else did too and that prompted this change. Love this for my Nashville friends.

Giants
I have a few Giants fans in my life, and they’re over the moon for Harbaugh, but I’m not sure they should be. Like are you trying to be average? Then it’s a great hire. I just don’t see him getting an edge over these other coaches, and Matt Nagy and Greg fucking Roman on staff only make me feel worse. Why do the Harbaughs keep employing this guy? How many years of these promising young QBs careers does he need to waste? I thought we were finally done when the Chargers fired him, but apparently the nightmare continues. I hope I’m wrong because I just want the best for these angels:

Browns
I was dating this guy for a couple years, and the worst part about breaking up was telling my daughter. She had spent time with him, we had gone on vacations together. She cried twice, saying she never got to say good-bye, and I’m like I’m sorry me neither. But kids are resilient, and after cryings she’s like, “Mom, I’m gonna collect all your boyfriends.” Like Pokemon? Is this a fucking game? She’s only ever met 2 guys btw, which I understand is 2 too many, but at least she wasn’t attached to the first guy. My brain always goes to sports so I’m like omg my daughter thinks I’m as incompetent as Andrew Berry the Browns GM, just out here collecting QBs with no rhyme or reason, and none of them are good. Although I do get a West-Seattle-divorced-dad vibe from Joe Flacco, but trying not to date any sexual predators. Just scarring my daughter for life over here, nbd.

Commanders
Last year’s Patriots? I hope they bounce back because these fans deserve more than one year of relevance. Can we get Jayden’s mom in uniform to block and protect him, like she does with girls?

Saints
I thought this team was untouchable, but Kellen Moore and Tyler Shough ended up being so fun!

Chiefs
Nothing tastes as sweet as the tears of my enemy. Hope they stay miserable forever.

Bengals

We grossly underestimated the healing power of crystals and etsy witches. But unfortunately they couldn’t cure Burrow’s existential crisis so in the fantasy playoffs he decides to put up 5 points one week and then 28 the next, just to fuck with us. I personally can’t have that inconsistency in my life because I already date too many guys like this. Emo white guys? In Seattle? No way. Like we’ll go out and I’ll think we had a great time, and then they’re like, “Yeah, I was looking at my crystals and my fossils, and I’m not sure I’m having fun.”

Dolphins
The quote I still identify most with:

Reggie Bush is the one who brought the Kardashians into our lives so he can stfu forever.

Cowboys
Me every day at the job I was so excited for:

Falcons
A team that only exists to fuck gamblers.

Ravens
2026 mindset:

Bucs 
Emeka Egbuka ghosted me way worse than any guy ever has, and it hurt 10x as much. Unforgivable.

Colts
Me after a weekend at Great Wolf Lodge with my daughter and her friends:

Lions
Jared Goff is who I thought Sam Darnold was.

Vikings

Can Sean McDermott join this coaching staff? Oh wait I just read he’s the new DC for the Chiefs, adding him to my enemies list.

Panthers
Nothing sexier than making a shitty team competitive. NFL coaches have definitely been getting younger and hotter overall, but Dave Canales is my fave.

Packers
I wish I had some fun dating stories for all the married people, but it’s just like me pulling out my phone at a restaurant to watch the 4th quarter of the Packers Bears wildcard game. I feel like that meme: There will be no second date, but at least Colston Loveland is on his radar, in case he starts liking football next season.

Steelers
They don’t know how good they had it with Tomlin, but they’re about to find out. Well, maybe the players knew, and that’s why they were crying.

Chargers
I’ve never considered any guy I’ve dated “the one who got away.” Maybe I just don’t let myself think like that. But when I see Jim Harbaugh in another team’s locker room saying, “Who could possibly have it better than us?” it’s like wow twist the knife in my heart. That was our thing you used to say to us!!!

As if niner fans weren’t in their feelings enough, now the man who wears the same outfit every day to avoid “decision fatigue” is teaming up with our favorite OC who wears head to toe Gucci. Pure cinema, I can’t wait!

I think Herbert is gonna earn that MVP vote next season, that one voter was just future forecasting.

Eagles

Jaguars
I wonder if Liam Cohen knew how often he was gonna see Robert Saleh next season. I’m here for all these awkward post-game handshakes, just hoping they turn into full on fights.

Bears
You don’t have to sell us on matcha, nails, new definitions of masculinity, and coaches taking their shirts off for free hot dogs. Love everything about this team.

Bills
These fans are breaking tables, starting fires, throwing dildos and that’s just the regular season. If they ever win the Super Bowl it would probably trigger the end of civilization.

49ers
This was one of my favorite seasons ever. I forgot how much sweeter it is to win when no one expects that you will. Restrictions foster creativity and innovation, and it seems like they brought out the best in Shanahan. In other seasons he’s been arrogant and combative, but this season was all good vibes, “I’m just so proud of these guys.”

As someone who was dreading the idea of drafting Mac Jones 5 years ago, this season was really illuminating for me. We didn’t need to trade up for him, but he probably would have been great. Maybe we coulda had a Super Bowl with him. He warmed his way into my heart with his crazy suits and that TNF game against the Rams. I hope he’s on the team next season, but I’ll cheer for him wherever he goes. He’s a real one.

Texans
Can we get Stroud an OL before we totally trash him?

Rams
Stafford is such a baller, but seeing him with his 4 daughters in their matching outfits is maybe just as magical as seeing him lead a 4th quarter TD drive.

Broncos
If you got points for being the biggest asshole, Sean Payton would be drowning in Lombardis.

Patriots

I feel like I jinxed the fuck out of Drake Maye with my new shirt, but I’m gonna keep wearing it, just not on game day.

We all want a nice guy, but not too nice. Also the COTY and Josh McDaniels sure left me on the wrong side of whelmed.

Seahawks
“I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not attractive." I should say congrats to my Seahawks friends. Hope Sam Darnold gets a huge contract that’s impossible to build around.

Sidenote: I like how the niners couldn’t run the ball against the Seahawks or any team really and you guys are like this is what we need in an OC. Good luck!

2024 Season recap
I beat Bergey and Eli in the championship. Unlike this year, I had a really good team with BTJ and McConkey as rookies, Josh Allen, and Baker Mayfield got me 30 points championship weekend. That's a hero, made me a fan for life. 

Turns out Bergey & Eli were about to celebrate an Eagles Super Bowl win, and then have a thousand cute outdoor adventures. I've known Bergey like 17 years now, and somehow she gets more beautiful every year, while I'm over here just getting uglier and fatter like a normal fucking person. I got the fantasy jacket, but you guys got everything else.

Tom Brady isn’t getting fatter or uglier either, but I definitely wouldn’t say he’s aging well.

2025 Season Results

1. Sara 💎
The worse my life is going, the better I do in fantasy, and I just won back to back years. Can I make it a three-peat? As they say, my favorite ring is the next one. 

I pieced my lineup together with backups like Mariota, my guy Mac Jones, and my hero Malik Willis. They filled in like champs. This fantasy team had me so high on underdogs throughout the NFL playoffs, but in real life they lost.

2. Omar 🤠
You definitely had the best team. You and your Cowboys have been killing it. CeeDee, JSN, James Cook & Javonte in a 14-team league is absolutely ridiculous. My money is on Omar next year. I mean, someone has to win besides me and Scott, right?

3. Scott 🤓
You are completely insane and relentless, with better sources than Schefter. Thank you for matching my crazy so I don't feel like a complete psycho, or I don’t feel like the only psycho with way too much invested in fake football. I'm really grateful for you and your friendship, for real. 💗

4. Chere ✨
Overdue for a playoff run, I knew Chere's luck would turn around. And I think she still has years of good fantasy karma yet to come.

5. Ruth 🔮
Daily existential crises and the earth's worst employer can't keep this bitch out of the playoffs. Love you, Ruf! You're the absolute coolest.

6. Matt 🪨
He may never live down the Jordy Nelson draft pick, but Matt is a pillar of consistency amidst the chaos of life. This league wouldn’t even exist without Matt because he was my boss at the time telling me to start it and prioritize these recaps over work. Thanks, Matt.

7. Kelsey 💋
I love how this league has been through everything together: weddings, rage blackouts, kids, divorces. And now our first 2nd marriage!!!!!! So happy for you and Doug! And don't think I didn't notice, you didn't even rage drop anyone this year! Must be a sign of the happiness and inner peace you deserve. And we didn't even split a xanax this time 💖 You’re a legend.

8. Bergey & Eli 🦅
Super solid team other than Nine, Rodgers, and CJ Stroud. Trying to pick which 2 QBs will be the least shitty is a nightmare I know all too well, and it's the reason I overpay for Josh Allen now. 

9. Jamie 🌟
I love running into my neighbor, the Nikki Glaser of Gatewood. Your front yard holiday game is way too good for a single mom who works FT, and you're kinda making me look bad in front of Austin, but I still love you.

10. Dana 💫
First of all, shout out to the Philip Rivers / Robert Saleh of our league. You’re fucking awesome, just like those two. Also I want to say thanks for actually trading with me when all the haters refused. At 7-7 you were one spot from making the playoffs, and I know you'll be back next year.

11. Chaq ❤️‍🔥
You talk about a guy who just gets it. Any subject really: work, life, how unbearable Seattle fans can be are. Bad Bunny was wrong; sometimes love grows from hate. So Chaq, no matter where you finish in fantasy you'll always be a top tier hater in my heart, and that's worth way more to me.

12. Ed 🫶🏽
I thought you had the best team coming out of the draft this year, but I guess we’re just into the same guys: trendy rookies and second-year players with so much potential and upside, kinda like democracy. Stay safe out there in MN. Never thought I'd say that to a straight white guy, but you're a kind, thoughtful person, and that's dangerous.

13. Rob 🤩
We're out here playing fantasy, but Rob is working in the sports industry for real. What could be cooler? I mean making lots of money and a great work/life balance, sure. But no one in the creative industry has that rn. However, unlike the rest of us (or just me) you’re gonna have a baller portfolio.

14. Colleen 💖
Definitely proof that Colleen is prioritizing the right things in her life and is actually the best. We love you Colleen, and I have a present for you, all the way from Bainbridge. It’s gonna look great at your desk. 🚽🏆😘

Happy Valentine’s Day! Love you guys even more than football.

xoxo,
Commish

P.S. NFL draft party at Hooverville? I would plan something sooner but there’s a 0% chance I’ll have my shit together before then.